odyssey of the phoenix

June 23, 22

tired of love being a minefield 

don't know what's going to trigger her next blow 

try to brace for detonation but still get broken to pieces 

by heartless words

prefer the hits because they leave more evidence

than the verbal attacks that are 

swords piercing my soul in the unseen

making me internalize deprecation as humility 

because shouldn't the people in closest proximity

see me most clearly?

instead her eyes are clouded by the worst of me 

always studied my weakest points 

so she can make efficient strikes

Purple Heart to replace my beating one

my cries never provoked sympathy

just activated her rabies 

foaming at the mouth she spews poison at me 

her wrath knows no mercy 

so hard to pretend everything is okay 

when she pushes all my buttons until I malfunction

this time projecting 

yelling at me for mistakes that she makes

bc she's the only one allowed to be imperfect 

constantly sifting me until she finds a flaw 

and revels in tearing me down to legitimize her own reality

that I'm the one in the wrong 

because if I were right she would have to see the speck in her own eye  

she tries to pass anger unto me like a family heriloom

yet I'm the only one with issues 

claims every statement that isn't yes or sorry mother

is attitude

uses Gods word against me

says I'm not honoring her like I should be

But He never said I had to respect abuse of authority 

Tired of having to dim my light  

because you can't stand your evil deeds being exposed

being a puppet with a sown up mouth is 

exhausting 

never securely attached

every time I try to cut loose

she reels my sisters and I back in 

telling us were spoiled and ungrateful for all she's done 

always think of the experiment with the baby monkeys

how they chose the mother that gave them warmth over sustenance

Yes I have gratitude and forgiveness

but that doesn't mean I don't need distance

 and have the right to draw boundaries

and say when the line has been crossed 

Instead of balancing on her tightrope 

with knives waiting at the bottom for me 

she convinces us that grace patience and understanding 

are too much to ask for 

Praying God shows up as our Nurturer

so I don't keep getting trapped in her spider web disguised as a safety net

if I keep getting caught one of these times she'll devour me

time to find my chosen family

community capable of loving me 

unconditionally and reciprocally 

instead of convincing me I'm undeserving 

and gaslighting me to insanity 

not letting her define my story 

I take the pain and turn it to poetry 

testimony 

that serves the misunderstood and

advocates for the silenced

until they are empowered to speak their truth

that loosens chains

my bullies have given me a great gift

compassion to defend the dehumanized

bc I intimately know what it's like 

to be reduced to ashes with no other choice but to be reborn 

and uplift others as we soar

stronger than ever before