thirsty

Feb 21, 23

oops I did it again

craved being chosen

by people who will never see me as worthy

keep trying to scrutinize myself from their eyes

always room for improvement right?

or maybe you could see my special already

honor my humanity

discern the reason God sent me

while I'm present 

not a distant memory

enough to listen and see

why I deserve room in your heart 

consistently 

don't know the line between 

long suffering and letting go of things not for me

Can never discern if it’s hope or breadcrumbs I’m eating

please don't prove my mother right when she tells me

I'm hard to love

just want someone to fall for me 

Like I do effortlessly 

don't regret what I gave you

but something about the lack of reciprocation is

triggering

and gets filed as evidence that there's something fundamentally unlovable about me

that needs further study

and makes me want to retreat back to my shell

that says to forever hold my peace and never confess these feelings

to someone who doesn't give a damn about me

at least that's what the pudding is saying 

have to realize this type of attachment 

stems from childhood trauma

classical conditioning 

that said I needed to be a perfect barbie

or get punished

when will I meet someone

who doesn't take my love for granted?

trying to channel it back to God and me

bc all this catching and draining of feelings

has left me burnt out and thirsty

time to ask the Lord for living water again

the only thing that can satiate me 




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